Tracy (redmouse) wrote,
Tracy
redmouse

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This and that.

Well...just bought my wedding dress.

I love it and it makes me feel like a queen (which was actually important in deciding on it over another very pretty choice--like a queen, not a princess. Cute, tulle, etc. is lovely, but I want to look more like a decisive adult than a dreamy Cinderella). The money has really set me back, but it's nice to know that I won't have to worry about paying for that chunk of the wedding six months down the road when I'm waiting for my stipend and hoping for freelance work and flying back to Indy for Christmas. In that sense, it's nice to be doing a lot of the wedding planning this far in advance. It's nice too to spread out the stress of it all--I'm still enjoying it, whereas in six months it would be more of a chore, I think.

We've almost got the reception hall--a little place that caters really amazing Indian--and as soon as we confirm that, we'll have a church--a Quaker Meeting down on Kessler and Allisonville. So, we've been running around a lot to taste things, meet people, discuss options. Plus I've been running around town a lot lately to see people before I go. I'm kind of exhausted.

I guess the only other thing is that I wish my family was more excited. My mom has been great and is really thrilled and encouraging. But sometimes I feel like the others wish I'd just not bother them with it. I try not to bring it up that often--it's not like it's the only thing I do or think about. And I know they have their own very demanding lives, and kids. I just feel sometimes like they couldn't care less. When I saw them for lunch the first Sunday after getting engaged, only Scott really asked me anything about the wedding plans, no one asked about how it happened, and only a couple of them even made an attempt to see the ring. I don't really care about the ring thing; I love mine, and it's a big pearl so you kind of can't miss it, and I don't need someone to coo over it to feel like they've acknowledged my engagement. I need them to call Mike my fiance to their kids instead of my "friend." I need them to ask how Mike is doing and talk to him when he's around. I need them to ask me tough questions, if they're concerned--not ignore the whole thing like it's not going to happen. I realize their lives must be absorbing. But they know what's going on in mine--it's kind of important, I'm going to grad school across the country and I'm entering into the most important commitment of my life; it's very easy to remember that much, and I still feel like I should just shut up about the dress and the catering and hide my ring in my pocket. And the thing is, those things are just an avenue to talk about more important things. I don't need people to show interest in the particulars of the event. That's just the way I've seen other women couch the real point of the matter: that I love this man and I want to build a life with him.

And I admit, sometimes I feel the same way around friends. Not so much anymore, and not around my closest, who actually have talked to me about the relationship itself and have shown me they care about the guy I'm marrying. But it happens. And I just shut up.

I'm trying to move on from needing that kind of acknowledgment, from needing a sign that it's okay to talk about things. One thing Mike has shown me is how much I cater my behavior to the comfort and expectations of others, at the expense of my needs. My instinct is to put the whole wedding subject in the closet if that seems to be what others want. So I stay very aware of how much I talk about it, and when, and to whom, and what their reaction is--and when you do that, you can't help but think about how people cared or didn't care even when they are not around. You can't help modifying your behavior such that if someone gives you no response on a subject, no matter how important that subject is, you stop seeking one. I resent being that person still. Maybe you guys didn't know, but that's who I was through middle school and high school. Ultimately, I didn't care if people cared, as long as they liked me. As long as they shared their time and jokes with me. I got out of that a little in college and I thought I was done with it. I hate that instinct. I'm trying to make it go away.

So, guys, I'm making a huge transition right now and it doesn't just have to do with going to grad school and getting married. They're just related. I'm working hard to become a good writer. There are personality traits that come along with that and one of them is observing things. The other is saying them. Get used to me using big words (it just happens). Get used to me being observant. I'm also very much in love with a man who speaks his mind, expects a lot of people, and refuses to modify his beliefs or behavior in order to make people comfortable. A lot of people don't like him. I do. Get used to me saying so. Get used to me getting more clear in what I believe and what I will not support. This includes the way this group of friends treats each other. It includes the way we have hurt and stifled and pigeonholed people now and in the past into being the way we want them, or into leaving the group entirely. We gave ourselves a right we didn't have. We have to acknowledge we made mistakes and we have to change and be honest and behave better. More on that, perhaps, at a later time, or in comments.

Mostly, get used to me trying to kick some unhealthy habits. It might mean I behave a lot differently than you thought I did. It might mean I feel a lot differently than I suggested I did. It might mean you don't recognize me anymore. I hope that's okay. But if it's not...we can talk about it.

Hope this made sense. It wasn't where I intended this post to end up.

Love,
Tracy
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